In God's Hands

I have a lot of anxieties. In fact I’m a rather anxious person by nature. I worry about just about everything. So pretty much as soon as I when through clearness a little under a year ago for a call to ministry through writing I began to worry. My worries weren’t really founded in anything in particular, but they did cause me to pretty much freeze up inside. For a few months I totally spiritually froze refusing to open up to God at all in anyway without realizing that was what I was doing. I was like a small child curled up in bed under the covers in terror; terror of my calling and terror of the fact that I had publicly acknowledged that calling. Slowly though, through prayer and the ministry of other Friends I began to uncurl. Still my writing remained difficult and rare. Where as before my clearness committee my writing flowed through me much as vocal ministry in meeting did, after my clearness committee writing became slow and painful with me second-guessing myself at every step. What I should have done was seek out other Friends to help guide and elder me through my fears, but even the prospect of that was frightening. So I decided this fear of my own gifts and callings was going to have to be between myself and God. If God wanted my to minister in that way then God would have to see me through my fear so I could do it. I still attended Quaker functions, I still participate in Quaker life, I still spoke in Meeting, I still conversed with Friends but part of me, the part of me that my writing had come out of seemed to be listening instead of speaking. Slowly, over time my fear lessened. I began to write. At first the writing took the form of poetry, my first love. Over time though I began to write more like I had before I went through clearness. At Baltimore Yearly meeting I wrote three articles and edited an earlier piece within a twenty-four hour period. The writing I did then was incredibly easy, flowing through me almost faster then I could write it down. I was also filled with the overwhelming sense that what I was writing was Truth as I experienced it. At the end of writing one piece I sat back and realized I had no anxiety about what I had written. I did not feel the need to second-guess myself, or worry about how others would perceive my message; I had been faithful that was all that mattered. To me writing is serving God and if we trust serving God is our greatest

Stewards of Christ

“But be doers of the word, and not merely hearers who deceive themselves”(James 1:22)

I am attending Baltimore Yearly Meeting and once more I am reminded of the message I received throughout the young adult Friends conference in Richmond IN. There has been such an emphasis in these yearly meeting sessions on work taking place over seas, including long discussions in business meeting and interest groups. I had several long discussions with Friends regarding African Friends, and have thought more and more about the nature of the mission work carried out by FUM and Evangelical Friends. Yet the more I think and talk about this work the more a message comes to me. The same message that came to me in Richmond IN. The work we need to do is here. Right now, right here in our monthly, quarterly and yearly meeting.

I remember from the Richmond conference one young adult Friend recounted her struggle to acknowledge that her calling was still real and Spirit led even though it would entail work here in America instead of traveling to work abroad as all her other Quaker friends where doing. As much as I think the work we do aboard is wonderful, needful, and truly Spirit led, I wonder how much work within our own American communities both Quaker and otherwise goes undone. I feel we spend so much time concentrating our attention and energy else where that it does not leave us much of either to tackle problems closer to home. I am not advocating us ending our services all over the globe. I just feel a mounting unease. All I ever here of is work friends are doing else where when I personally witness the suffering and need here in America everyday.

In a list of services Friends where engaged in one Friend mentioned services in America then hastily explained that he was speaking of prison ministry. We are all truly blessed by every Friend who feels and heeds the call to prison ministries, but I wonder about our lack of commitment to other areas of suffering in America. I think it is some times easier for us to pretend, subconsciously, that the only poverty, hunger, death, homelessness, discrimination, and inhuman violence is taking place in other countries not our own. However as we all intellectually know this is not the truth. Yet as we struggle to build the kingdom of God we must reach out to all people at home and abroad. Nor do I think one group more needful then the other.

There is also the issue of the state of the Religious Society of Friends. I find it uncomfortable to watch Friends spending so much time worrying and discussing Friends in African or South America when we have our own troubles and needs here in America. I think dialog between us and Africans Friends is both needful and a blessing but I worry when a whole discussion on FUM only ever focuses the African Friends when there are plenty of FUM Friends here in America. I also feel uncomfortable when Friends spend all there time discussing work abroad and money to be sent abroad while real problems and needs exist within their own Yearly Meeting I feel for the sake of all Friends, the spiritual health of the Religious Society of Friends should be addressed first. I feel it is hard for us to aid others when we are in desperate need of spiritual aid ourselves.

When I was in Richmond IN I received a simple message over and over again. The message was that the real work of the Religious Society of Friends needed to happen at the month, quarterly and yearly meeting levels. That the spiritual well being of the society as a whole could only be preserved by working from these levels, by healing and renewing on a more intimate community level. I also received the very strong message that Friends needed to spend more time working in their own communities at large. We as Friends I believe tend to struggle with the ideals of radical Christian hospitality, and I would like to see more of an emphasis paid to that within our meeting bodies. We acts with such loving, nurturing kindness, and grace towards those in need throughout the world. I would dearly love, and truly wish to see the same grace offered other Friends here in our home meetings and the communities these meeting are located in. May the Spirit of Christ guide us abroad, at home and within our hearts.

Water to Wine

This is the first straight out piece of poetry I have ever posted hear. That's kind of hard to believe. This piece came to me after seeing an article by the same name on a GLBTQ Christian website. I also reflected on a religious education group I attend at my local Methodist church back in NY, and how much other Christians have to teach us Friends about being gracious.

Water To Wine
The miracle of water into wine is an image of change that has never really spoken to me until now. I thank and dedicate this piece to every liberal Christian I know, of all denominations. You are not afraid to have faith.

There is a billboard close to where I lived that shows water being pored, changing into wine in the glass. Come see a miracle it says, advertising a church I have never been to.

Such a powerful image; water into wine.

I am a generation born of a generation of spiritual refugees. A generation who left the church, or where thrown out, fleeing hate, prejudice, fear, and a God without mercy. Like all refugees they brought with them, memories more painful then they could bare, hidden scars and fear of the dark. I was born into a world without the Bible, without God, without grace. I was raised into a religion that had almost forgotten how to pray. There were rules unspoken here; you do not go the church if you are a woman, you do not go to church if you are a liberal, you do not go to church if you are queer. They will only turn you away.

Come see a miracle.

But God does not rest, or take heed to human politics, and God found me when I was seventeen and afraid. I am a child of a generation of refugees, but this war is ending and times are changing. We are coming back to the Church. Welcomed or not, this space is ours, this grace freely given to us, and God speaks to us too. One by one we are listening. See me, liberal, queer woman that I am, I have faith, and this is my church too. The Church is changing.

Water to wine, come see a miracle.

It is raining grace a GLBTQ Christian blogger wrote when California legalized same-sex unions.

It is raining grace.

We are no longer refugees. We are coming home now.

From water into wine.

It is time to take communion again, and this time we are offering the chalice.

Me, The Bible, and the Question of Sexuality: The Really Short Version

I sometimes find myself in rather an interesting position. I am young, very politically liberal, queer identified woman. I am also very much a Christian, and rather theologically conservative especially for a Quaker. I do a lot of talking with and traveling among other Christian denominations. I am also a dedicated scholar of the Bible. Often therefore I am called to talk about my feeling about the Bible and homosexuality. This is the very short version of the answer I usually give Christians who ask:

First off I am a queer woman. Secondly I am very, very much a Christian. I love the church, I love God and I really, really love the Bible. I love reading it for personal strength and understand of God and also studying it academically.
The first think I notice when I approach the subject of homosexuality and the Bible is it’s really not talked a lot about, given the enter length of the Bible. Secondly at least one of the passages usually pointed to as speaking about homosexuality I believe actually doesn’t. It’s been read that way by the church but taken out of theological context I really don’t see how that’s what it’s talking about. There are some parts of the Bible that are however unequivocally condemning homosexuality. I have no answer for this, no more then I have an answer for the parts of the Bible, about war, murder, blood sacrifice and genocide or God’s rather. I don’t believe any of these things are part of God’s Plan but they are in the Bible.
There is something I do know about the Bible though, and that is that its talks about love a lot. All the time in fact, over and over again, Old Testament and New. The Bible talks about love almost constantly, about love for ourselves, for each other and for God. That I know to be Truth, God’s Truth given to us through the Bible. Love, real love, is wonderful, and beautiful. It heals us, builds us up, helps us to be stronger and better then we thought we could be, it sustains us, and lets us do the work that God meant us to do. That love is God and the Spirit with us every day. That love, I believe, doesn’t worry about sexuality. When love is healthy, consensual and nurturing to us, others and God, it doesn’t matter what gender our partner is. Love is a gift from God and I don’t question the gifts God gives me.
Sin is when we turn away form God and Truth and act in ways that are harmful, unloving and ungracious towards others and ourselves. Anyone can act without grace, no matter what their sexuality. In turn though love that healthy and brings us closer to God is not confined by one sexuality, one kind of experience. I believe that is o.k., with me, and with God.

When We cannot Turn Away

He said, “I'm moved to tenderness by what we cannot bare
Humbled by what we can and do and learn to share . . .”
~Carrie Newcomer

I don’t talk about Friends’ call to service and social action very much. Usually when I write or speak it’s on more inward solitary matters of the Spirit. Yet recently I have felt a need to reflect and consider on Friends’ religious call to act within the world. The work I do is not particularly trendy work for the up and coming liberal activists of my generation. I work in law; human rights investigation and legal aid. I wear a dress-suit to work. I work at a desk, in an office. Not really as glamorous as taking to the streets or traveling to South America, but it is a calling, and it is work that needs to be done. The people I serve come from impoverished communities; they are disadvantaged and discriminated against. I have no doubt in my mind that the work I do is helping to build the Kingdom here on earth. Like any direct service though it can be emotionally, physically, and spiritually challenging.
About a week and a half ago I moved to Virginia and started my summer internship with a legal aid non-profit. About a week or so into it, I was starting to get tired. Change isn’t something I deal well with, and I was adjusting to a new house, new housemates, a new city and a new job. I was getting that; I’d rather be anywhere else, feeling. Then around Thursday I was reminded of why I do the job I do and why although it seems tempting sometimes to quit and do something else, I know I wont.
The actual events that led to this renewal were unimportant and rather mundane. I was typing up forms for people seeking disability benefits under Social Security when I came to the one for “mental retardation.” It occurred to me that the term was no longer politically correct (PC) and probably shouldn’t be used. I then asked myself why the term was no longer appropriate and the answer was because it has been used in a derogatory fashion so often it has become a bad word in our society. Then I got mad. I never have and never will understand why our society judges people’s worth based on things they can’t help, things they where born with. It seems so horrible to me that we could judge people’s worth as less simply because they have a lower than average IQ. Yet we, as a society, do and to the point where the mere comparison of another person to a person with a lower IQ is considered a hurtful insult. Sitting in my office I suddenly had to fight the urge not to burst into tears at the horrible unfairness of a society that accepts, even condones such judgment. In New York State where I am from the state government pulled all services to disabled children who are being home schooled. Often children with sever disability will be taught at home because the school can not provide for there needs or because physically being in the school building would be a major health risk. I to this day cannot understand how my state government justified to themselves and to the media taking advantage of severely disabled children in the name of budget cuts. It makes me angry, it makes me sad, and I do believe that is the appropriate response. It breaks my heart, and not in the way our society uses the term.
There are many reactions people have to injustice, they can ignore it, they can get angry and rant about it, or they can work hard to fix but end up getting burnt out when the problem doesn’t go away. All these responses though, are short term superficial ones. Yet there is another response, a response I believe comes from the Spirit working within us. I believe that when you are confronted with something that truly breaks your heart, you cannot turn away, you can not ignore it and you most certainly can not go back to living you’re life the way it was before that moment. God does this; it is God who opens you up to that moment, to that realization. When I am opened like that I cannot, refuse to act, I could not live with myself if I did not do that work. That is your work, the work God wants you to do and it’s almost physically impossible not to. Your life as been transformed, you have been transformed. Sometimes we all feel burnt out and sometimes we all need rest but when you are faced with work that you are called to do, when God breaks your heart open, you won’t just get burnt out and drop it. God will sustain you better then that.
I have watched a lot of other people my own age attempted to do the job I do. I have watched them get discouraged by the larger picture, by how much still needs to be done and just stop trying. That doesn’t happen to me. Because when I feel tired, when I feel burnt out by what still needs to be done, I ask my if I’ve helped at least one person in one way, and if I can say that I have, if at least one person’s life is a little better because I tried, because I cared, than that will be good enough. I do this work because I could not walk way from it, no matter how hard it is, no matter how much I will have to work to do it. I am a disabled student considering law school I have not illusions about how hard it will be. I also know though, that when my work is done if even one person’s life is better because of the work I have done, than it will have been worth it. Good enough for me, and good enough for God.

"Come, you that are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you..for I was hungry and you gave me food. I was a stranger and you invited me in. I needed clothes and you clothed me. I was sick and you looked after me. I was in prison and you came to visit me...Truly I tell you, just as you did it to one of the least of these who are members of my family, you did it to me" (Matthew 25:43)

Interest Group: The Contemplative Path?

I lead an interest group for the Young Adult Friends conference in Richmond IN. I have decided to put the description and queries on here. Friends might find it interesting or helpful.
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Interest Group: The Contemplative Path?
There are many visible forms of ministry within the Religious Society of Friends. Friends can be called to travel among meetings, organize youth programs, work for Quaker organizations and live in intentional communities. While these are all wonderful forms of ministry others are called to more scholarly or contemplative paths. Some Friends feel called to ministry through writing, theology, history, biblical study, and other more academic ministries. Is there a place within the Religious Society of Friends for such callings? If so what is the role of the Young Adult Friends who are called to such a path?


Interest Group Queries
"And thou, faithful babe, though thou stutter and stammer forth a few words in the dread of the Lord, they are accepted." ~ William Dewsbury 1660


1. Quaker tradition teaches us that we are all ministers in the Religious Society of Friends. What ministry do you feel called to?

2. Most other religious faiths have traditions of scholars, contemplatives, historians, and theologians. Does the Religious Society of Friends also have such a tradition? If not can we see a need for people called to such ministry?

3. Traditionally Friends have shied away from systematic theology. Is there becoming an need for such a theology in today’s Quakerism?

4. What kind of oversight or support do those of us called to a more contemplative path need? Is it provided? If not how could it be provided?

5. How might your gifts as scholars and thinkers fit into and enrich the larger structure of the Religious Society of Friends?

This Matter Which Weighs Upon My Heart

Friends, I labor. I struggle within myself and within my Yearly Meeting with the issue of FUM. I come from New York Yearly Meeting, and we are duel affiliated with FGC and FUM. Right now there is a lot of anger within New York Yearly Meeting towards FUM because of some homophobic statements that have been made. Much of this anger comes out of misinformation and miscommunication; much of it also comes out of a legitimate sense of anger and pain. Pain that GLBTQ Friends that we love and hold dear are being hurt. I too take these concerns very seriously, I am both a Christian Friend and a queer identified Friend and this is an issue very close to my heart. However I don’t feel like we can walk away from FUM or this pain. As Quakers we are called to love and cherish all people, not matter who they are or what they’ve done in there lives and other Friends, Friends who might not hold the same beliefs as we dos, should be no different. I feel strongly that if we as a Yearly Meeting walk away from FUM we clearly state that we cannot love, cannot connect, and labor with, Friends who do choose to be affiliated with FUM. I know that this not our intention, but I fear that will be the out come. I also feel that anger and pain is not a place from which good healthy decisions are made. Anger is good, it can lead to passion, which can in turn and in time lead to compassion and love, but we cannot act directly from anger. We cannot go with our first reaction to distance ourselves from things we don’t agree with. That would not and does not do justice to us as people, any of us. We are FUM, we can not say they are some ‘other’ doing and saying things we find hurtful because we are a FUM Yearly Meeting. They are us, we are them, and I would grieve deeply if that were to change. I also fear that by leaving FUM we set ourselves up, as a Yearly Meeting, on a moral high ground I don’t believe we actually stand on. Can we, in all honesty and with our heart open to God, say that we are so loving and open we can point fingers elsewhere and accuse others? I am a young queer Friend in New York Yearly Meeting and I do not see any Yearly Meeting Minute affirming our love and commitment to our GLBTQ Friends. I do see any Yearly Meeting Marriage Minute guaranteeing I will be able if I choose, to be married under any New York Yearly Meeting. As my brother, who is an agnostic liberal young Friend said to me, he (and I ) can think of no better message to other FUM meeting about our pain towards homophobic comments made then for New York Yearly Meeting to come out with an affirming Minute on our love for our GLBTQ Friends, made as a FUM meeting. We have work we need to do and we cannot do it from outside of FUM, we must labor with them and with each other on these issues.
I am at a crossroads, Friends. For over a year I have brought my need to continue this dialog with ourselves and with other FUM meetings to every meeting and gathering of Friends I have attended. Still I feel as if New York Yearly Meeting is moving toward a place where we will act out of pain and fear and leave FUM. I also feel as if none of us quite know what to do, on either side. We are stuck, hurt and divided, and I’m not sure were to go or what to do. I am part of a task group on our involvement with FUM but still that task group seems to be at loss about how best to serve New York Yearly Meeting in this. Friends I labor, with my own pain, with my own love, and I do not know what to do. Only that we must listen to God in this matter, and that seems to be the hardest course of all.