God is in the Grayness

"... What would happen if every time we did something we disapproved of, we opened our heart to heaven?” (by Alan Lew)

“You never know who will be your witness. You never know who grants forgiveness. Look to heaven or sit with us.” (Betty’s Diner by Carrie Newcomer)

“Three things in human life are important. The first is to be kind. The second is to be kind. And the third is to be kind.” (Henry James)


Forest of A Quaker Watering Hole posted this quote by Alan Lew as a writing starter for us Quaker bloggers. After reading it I felt called to write in response.
"... What would happen if every time we did something we disapproved of, we opened our heart to heaven? What would happen if every time we felt an impulse we didn't like, we acknowledged its divine origin?...

"Please don't misunderstand me. I'm not suggesting that it's all right to keep on being mean to people. I am saying that if you keep beating yourself up for being mean, your meanness is just going to keep striking back, getting stronger and more vicious with each blow. If on the other hand you were to fill up your meanness with attention and presence, it might just begin to cool down...

"When we experience ourselves exactly as we are, we sense our oneness with everything and we realize there is no such thing as a mistake. When we pay attention, everything enlightens us, even the things we think of as mistakes."
I grew up, and in many ways continue to live, in a black and white moral world. Throughout my life there has always been, right and wrong, the right way to live and wrong ways to live, good things to spend your money/time/energy on and a waste of time, money and energy. There have been good life style choices and bad life style choices, the right things to believe and stupid ways to behave. In my family of strong-minded women, our way always had to be the right way and everyone else had to be, pretty much, wrong. Guilt is an emotion I am well acquainted with. Furthermore, I have carried this black and white attitude into my work, there are things worth fighting for, and things that are just a waste of time. Yet recently I have begun to examine my tendency to see the world in a moral pattern of black and white. When a friend of mine asked me what I thought constituted a “good and righteous life” I struggled with the question. I fought my instinct to tern to strict moral definitions of what made a good and righteous life, realizing that these moral frameworks were in many ways static and unbending. I instead tried to base my answer on the good and righteous people I know and had known, the people I feel do live good lives. I finally came up with an answer that was not based on traditional black and white moral values. "A good and righteous life," I told my friend, "was one where people dared to push themselves to their personal limits to become the most they could possibly be." I realized that my definition was based largely on the illiterate, disabled and mentally ill communities I have worked with. These people do not live good lives in many peoples eyes, some had made bad choices, others lived in incredibly poverty, but over and over again I have encountered the willingness and the strength to put their lives back together and push themselves to be the most they could possibly be as people.
The other day I picked up a bottle of Honest Tea and read a quote from Henry James on the inside of the lid “Three things in human life are important. The first is to be kind. The second is to be kind. And the third is to be kind.” This quote stuck with me, so much so that it is now one of my new signature lines for my e-mail. I am drawn to the message that the most important thing we can to with our lives is to be kind. The more I think about these two incidences the more I am sure that they are intrinsically connected. I am being drawn away from judging everything by a strict moral code. To see the world in black and white is to lose the ability to see the grayness. To see the places where the people unlike us are good and kind. Where people who make mistakes are still capable of good and great things. It draws me away from truly seeing God in everyone because I am so worried about weather they fit into my narrow definitions of right and wrong. Most of all however it stops me from seeing God in myself.
If I am constantly plagued by guilt because of badly spend money there, time that should have been spent studying here, then I begin the slow process of losing sight of the fact that I am a child of God. The more I beat up on myself for being human, the more I forget that God made me that way and loves me just the same. The more I stop loving myself because I can not be perfect, more I lose sight of God’s love. When I became a Quaker and a Christian, I did it under a belief that changed my life. The belief that God loved me and wanted only for me to love myself just as unconditionally. The day in Meeting when I was faced by this realization I made a promise to God that I would try to love myself and care for myself with the same reverence that She showed to me. I must never lose sight of that promise. Every time I make a mistake I must open my heart to God instead of beating myself around the head with my own guilt. Only through this quiet surrender can I come to understand the beauty and fullness of God’s plan for my life.

Blog Writing as Ministry: My Personal Journey Thus Far.

I have been told that whether or not Quaker blogging is considered ministry, is a hot topic in the Quaker online world. I have also been told most Friend do not consider blog writing as ministry. Instead they tie it more closely to journaling. This however, is not my experience. For over two years I had been feeling a strong call to write about Quakerism in general and the state of The Religious Society of Friends in particular. However because of college and other distractions I did not start writing until the end of last year. Immediately I knew that I had to publish , in some form, my work. I was not merely being called to write, but called to write things that other Friend could and would read. About six months ago I started Raised in the Light. As I have written my blog and been requested to write for several other forms of publication, my sense of a calling has only increased. Last week I finally requested from my Meeting a clearness committee to help me discern the shape and nature of by calling.
I do not know what the outcome of this discernment process will be, but I do know that I feel called to ministry through writing, and am ready and willing to take on such a calling. Yet I am also scared, I have taken the first steps towards committing myself to my writing not just as a form of spiritual journaling for myself, but as ministry for the entire Quaker community. I know that if I reach the decision that I am in deed called to ministry, my whole life will change, and I will be called on to take responsibilities within the Quaker community as a whole. Further more my disabilities will make writing for the general public particularly challenging.
Yet for all me fears, worries and trepidations, I feel I have done the right things. The Spirit is with me, and I have set my course.

Quakerism and the issue of Queerness

For the first time I am addressing the question of Quakerism and homosexuality. In some ways I find this post has been a long time in coming. On one hand I feel it would only have been natural for me to write on this subject. After all the topic of Quakerism and homosexual community is one of great concern for many young and young adult Friends. On the other hand I have never seen it as making it on to the list of issues in Quakerism that I feel called to address. However I am addressing it now because it has only continued to be an escalating and divisive issue for Friends. That said, it is important to understand that I usually identify as lesbian although sometime prefer to use the term queer, and therefore I have a very personal stake in this particular issue. I find it interesting that the divide between FGC and FUM was brought up as much as it was, at the young adult conference in New Jersey I attended earlier this year. As FUM met, reviewed and reaffirmed their hiring guidelines which states that an unmarried employee of FUM must be celibate until marriage, which effectively and at this point intentionally discriminates against the gay and lesbian community as well as unmarried couples, the controversy between the two Quaker communities has only grown. It is commonly held that all FGC Friends feel FUM Friend are conservative, Bible thumpers, blatantly discriminating against minority groups. While many FUM Friends have stereotyped FGC Quakers as liberal hippies, trying to tell everyone what to do, and too quick to pass judgment. I myself am from New York Yearly meeting, which holds double memberships with FUM and FGC, but leans much closer to FGC’s general beliefs and policies. Although I agree with the decision to open up more dialogue between FUM and FGC Friends, which the New Jersey conference came to, I have serious problems with FUM’s continued adherence to discriminatory policies. I personally feel my anger at being discriminated against by my own religious group is justified. Further more I do not address this issue as just one more topic in my politically liberal agenda but as a legitimate theological problem for all Friends to deal with. At this point the question of equality for the queer community is not just the difference between liberals and conservatives, as everyone seems to assume. I wonder if I have to remind Friends that equality is the eyes of God and community is one of the core theological tenants of our faith. I would ask FUM Friends whether they seriously feel that a person's ability to give spoken ministry depends on their sexual orientation? I am well aware that not all FUM members by far, support such policies, however I would prefer that instead of becoming defensive about it, some Friends would understand and respect my problems with a Quaker organization that openly, knowingly and blatantly discriminates against me. FUM is not the only Quaker organization that falls victim to homophobia since NY Yearly Meeting has no over arching policy on marriage for homosexual Friends. Because there is that of God within me and because I strive to live my life within the love and grace of Jesus Christ, I sincerely hope
that I will be able to be married within the Quaker community and my ability to speak God’s truth will not be denied based on my sexual orientation.

Even in the Dark (draft)

“We never know what might blow through the door like silent prayer, and how many of us entertain angles unaware” (Angles Unaware by Carrie Newcomer)

“The truth is not that it is going to be alright,
The truth is, it already is.” (Fredric Evans 1994)

Mostly when my life goes down hill I turn to my faith. For me, my faith and the worships I often turn to when in need is a very personal, individual kind of faith. I have had a hard time relying on my friends to help me through hard patches and it had never occurred to me to think of relying on others as a form of spirituality. For some reason however with my last bout of troubles I have been indeed turning to friends for guidance and support. Through this I have begun to learn how support from those who are close to you can be it a faith experience.
It is strange; the core of my belief, the most important fact in my faith journey has been the simple promise, and incredible leap that God is love. That, to know God one knows love and where love is that is God, is the very bases for my theology on so many levels. Yet accepting love and the caring that comes out of love, finding that an important and indispensable part of who I am and of my faith has been extremely hard for me. Partly I think this is because I don’t except help or the fact that I might need help easily and because I still find it hard, in this cynical world, to expect people to give help and act in love. So certainly when people do act in love and kindness I find this a blessing, but as incredible as this might sound I never quite made the mental connection that when people act in kindness toward me this is God, and we are experiencing a touching of personal faiths. I have long thought it extremely necessary on my faith journey to show kindness and love for others. However I am beginning to see that for my own theology and faith to bloom, I must also receive kindness and love from others. I can not only experience God through loving others and being kind to others, although this is certainly a powerful and necessary way of experiencing the divine, but I also must experience God be finding those who will also act with love towards me. To know God, then, I must love and be loved, both by people and the divine. I have already taken the leap of accepting and assuming Gods love, now I must take the leap of accepting and assuming the love of my friends, partner, and family. This I believe will bring me closer to God. As I write this, a small rose bush sits next to my compute. It was bought for me for no other reason then I was feeling down and love flowers. Someone was kind, and this is a blessing, this is God.

little thoughts

A friend of mine has posted the first prayer on her facebook. I thought it was beautiful. One of these quotes I got from my sister the others I found.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"O God! refresh and gladden my spirit. purify my heart. illumine my powers. i lay all my affairs in Thy hand. Thou art my Guide and my Refuge. i will no longer be sorrowful and grieved; i will be a happy and joyful being. O God! i will no longer be full of anxiety, nor will i let trouble harass me. i will not dwell on the unpleasant things of life. O God! Thou art more friend to me than i am to myself. i dedicate myself to Thee, O Lord." ~ Abdul-Baha

"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and do it. Because what the world needs is people who come alive." -Howard Thurman

Like the deer that pants
for the flowing stream,
so we thirst
for the living Spring
~ Richard J. Foster

I don't read Scripture to learn doctrine.
I don't read it to find answers to every question.
I read it to find God.
~ Carole Spencer

A Short Rant on versions of the Bible

I have always used The New Oxford Annotated Bible: New Revised Standard Version. I prefer this Bible over all others that I’ve read. While the King James Bible is beautifully written the translation is so dated and poor I find it only usefully except within it’s own historical context. While other Bibles like the New Standard Version International Bible that they supply in my meetinghouse just makes me mad and frustrated. There are no footnotes, no notes about how or why the translators translated a word or verse the way they did, no alternatives in Greek or Arabic, so I can see the translating choices that were made. Plus all of the sections in these Bibles have captions before each chapter, things like Jesus Heals a Leper, or On Marriage, or Jesus tells about the end-times captions like these annoy me because they distract me from my reading of the actual Bible. The captions also make me feel as if I’m reading Cliff-Notes version of the Bible, and I feel as if I am being told what exactly I should be getting out of each section of the Bible. As if the translators feel like they have to tell me the punch line to everyone of Jesus’ messages, and it also bothers me because some times what I think is the most important part of a Bible passage is not what is commonly thought to be the important part. I hate having how I should pray and what I should think about God dictated to me in any way, from a minister or other wise, and particularly don’t like it coming from the version of the Bible I read. In summery I like The New Oxford Annotated Bible because it allows me, as a scholar, to make my own decisions about how I will read the Bible and how I will fully and scholarly study each passage and their meanings.

A Living Faith (draft)

Unlike most of the posts I make to this blog, this post is not, I feel, complete. I have been working on it on and off for a while but feel I have a lot more to say on the subject. However as my life as gotten crazy again I don't know when I will be able to work on it. So I'm posting it now in it's draft form. both of the quotes are taken from songs by two of my very favoret artists.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


“The hardest thing I ever tried to do was stay in one place and just try to come through. I love me some, now I want to love you too, and spend some time in the garden.” (Maya by Ferron)

“Centered down and moving outward sometimes almost too sweet to bear. There are endless ways to reach home, just keep walking and I’ll meet you there” (All Saints’ Day by Carrie Newcomer)

Several days ago I began reading my new devotional “A Year with Thomas Merton: daily meditations from his journals”. The first entry I read for March 27th was entitled “a preference for the chant of frogs”, the entry recounts Merton’s decision to remain at his hermitage and not go on a lecturing circuit as he was being pressed to do by other religious leaders and scholars. He writes about how one must know and do what will be most spiritually beneficial to them and what will not distract them from God. This too has been a question I have striven to answer for myself, what is it that I am called to do with my life that is both spiritually beneficial and does not distract from my nearness to God? I have come to realize that for me one of the most important things in my life will be to do what brings me spiritual wholeness and a sense of God’s love. I have also come to realize this may mean giving up things that I might be good at or enjoy. Looking towards my future as I reach the half-way point in my college education, I have begun to ask myself what I can I do that will spiritually center and fulfill me, even if that means turning from paths that I might derive pleasure from or be good at. Not that God’s work should be joyless or I am turning way from things that I enjoy and am talented at simply because I enjoy them or am good at them, but rather it is about redirecting my priorities and not automatically choosing the path of least resistance.